Author Topic: If Poem Parodies  (Read 14087 times)

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Online TylerDurden

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If Poem Parodies
« on: October 04, 2008, 10:30:55 pm »
"If" is a rather absurdly idealistic poem written by Rudyard Kipling, in a sort of self-help style. Here it is below, along with a few parodies of the poem below it(I just find them rather  amusing and thought I ought to share them with the board):-

"If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"

If parodies:-

"If you can get yourself a fancy title,
    Though no one knows just what your job’s about,
If you can screw up projects that are vital,
    Then shift the blame before they find you out;
If you can treat a rival like a brother,
    Then stab him in the back each chance you can;
If you can steal the program of another,
    Then take the credit that it was your plan;

If you can rig expenses that are phony,
    While everyone believes that they are real;
If you can take long lunches with a crony,
    And make your boss believe you’ve closed a deal;
If you can get the office staff to love you,
    When in your heart of hearts you think they’re dirt;
If you can look alive to those above you,
    When nine to five no effort you exert;

If you can seem free-thinking and courageous,
    Yet always end up siding with your boss;
If you can get a mammoth raise in wages,
    Yet make him feel you’re working at a loss;
If every line that’s written here you’ve noted,
    And every rule and precept you obey,
Then to the highest spot you’ll be promoted,
    Unless, of course, you’re knifed along the way."

"If you can keep your wealth when all about you
    Are losing theirs from paying income tax;
If you can make quite sure that no one doubts you
    By selling to the networks your own “facts”;

If you can reap the harvest that is waiting
    For those who fight both sides of one same war;
If you spend hours televised, debating
    For bussing and for “welfare” for the “poor”;

If you can trade with Reds, and all the while
    Be charging what they owe to our own banks;
If you can have us lose a war, then smile,
    Because you know you’re only getting thanks;

If you can hold an office, but each minute
    Be out afloat, and calmly goin’ fishin’,
The U.S.A. is yours, and all that’s in it,
    Because, my son, you’ll be a politician."

"IF
Advice to an Applicant


If you can back your boss and keep on smiling,
while toning down his brash absurdities,
if, having watched the man manhandle filing,
you rearrange the folders pretty please,
if coy and charming, beautiful, beguiling,
anticipating all contingencies,
you manage new accounts, contacts redialling,
correct crass spelling, cover vagaries...

If you can keep your head while he’s resiling,
evolve successful counter-strategies,
if ‘mum’s the word’, discrete, effective tyling,
from busy-bodies safe when he agrees.
If you can spend your time in reconciling
his intellectual inanities,
never upset his fragile ego, heiling
whene’er he feels the need, or profits sneeze...

If Windows easy comes, while modem dialing
to DSL migration’s not a tease,
if firewall free from viruses hostiling
you clean can keep, recalling password keys,
if the above you show him recompiling
the data lost when he lacks expertise, -
yet know your place as cypher, never riling,
remembering to bow before ‘big cheese’...

If you can stand him publicly reviling
your good ideas, then claim them his with ease,
can watch while rival’s ruin he’s compiling
so coldly that a lizard’s blood would freeze.
If when betrayed by his ambitious wiling
you triumph through innate abilities,
ignoring basic scheming, baser guiling,
you seize the precious point he never sees! ...

If you won’t blush when, rash, he’ll rush, exiling
your intuitions as freak fantasies,
but confidently while free-time he’s whiling,
circumvent his incapacities.
Surpassing him in brains, tact, versatiling,
you never strive to swap your salaries,
but both feet on the ground, still patient, smiling,
can counteract his incoherencies...

If you are sure his image needs restyling,
select the suits that suit down to the tees,
if you are ever ready camomiling,
or sprinkling sugar, creaming, coffee, teas,
if you can trick his wayward infantiling
and censure not his immaturities,
ignore his clumsy tries at fond defling,
yet fondled, tactful, rise from off his knees...

If you take three degrees while reconciling
your private life to further Ph.D.’s,
if you can children bear without work piling
and keep them free from trouble and disease,
if you can spring his quick promotion – vile thing –
and play the game of happy families...
Your’s is the job, the rest’s cosmetic styling,
the prized princess and pride of... secret’ries! "

"If
If you can keep your head when those who manage
Have lost the plot and need someone to blame,
And bust your gut to minimise the damage,
And know you’ll never blush to find it fame;
If you can knuckle down and get the job done,
And be content with knowing it’s done well,
And seek no more reward - then you’re a mug, son.
Don’t work so hard – but push yourself like hell!

If you can boost your key performance metrics
With “competencies” that you never had,
With HR unaware that you’ve sussed their tricks
And found the loopholes in their latest fad;
If you can keep your boss, and his boss, happy
While letting lesser liveware do the work,
You’ll seem, to those who count, a clever chappie.
(Ignore the nobodies who think you shirk.)

If you know nothing practical – just bullshit!
(Don’t worry, no-one senior will know.)
You’ll have your share of luck, my son, so push it!
You’ll be surprised how far and high you’ll go.
If you can meet redundancy and head-hunts,
And in the face of each be just as bold
(You’ll find it’s not so hard when it’s been done once
- But don’t forget your parachute of gold!);

If you do nothing useful, but can witter
About key tasks, rightsizing, and team roles
You’ll find that you’ll be seen as all the fitter
For more promotion up the greasy pole.
If you can talk the talk and walk the walk, son,
That’s all you need, to be a plutocrat.
Grab all you want; let others do the work, son,
And if you don’t – well, son, you’ll be a prat."

OK, this is really offensive, but rather funny, so apologies in advance, I'm NOT posting this for political reasons, but solely because it's the most appalling of the parodies(I'm actually somewhat sympathetic to the Taliban(though with some misgivings re their philosophy) as they kicked out the Russians before them and now have to go through the whole business again):-

"
If— (you want to be a true jihadi)
If you can hack the head off from a hostage
Who 's kneeling bound and helpless on the floor;
If you can purge yourself of each last vestige
Of decency, morality, and Law;
If you can hate and never tire of hating,
Or, faced with truth, still hold fast to your lies,
Or, while you 're hard at work decapitating,
Show no trace of pity in your eyes:

If you can teach your kids the “victim” story,
Stir Muslim losers trapped in English slums,
Fill youthful heads with crackpot dreams of glory,
And urge them on to fiery martyrdoms;
If you can use religion as a cover
For deeds no man could pardon or excuse,
Or claim that all the ills we humans suffer
Are machinations of the evil Jews:

If you can use the fruits of Western science
(A science that your culture cannot match)
To broadcast all your hatred and defiance,
Or carry out your crimes with more dispatch;
If you can put aside sectarian violence,
Co-operate with Shi'ites from Iran,
Unite Islam; intimidate to silence
All Muslims who won't sign up to your plan:

If you can fly a plane into a building
Filled with harmless folk you 've never seen,
Or seize a school that 's full of little children
And murder them when rescuers break in;
If you can fill each precious living minute
With sixty seconds' worth of evil done,
Yours is heaven, and all the virgins in it,
And then you 'll be a real jihadi, son! "

"You're rnd
If you can keep your head when all around you
is shot and shell and bomb and poison gas;
If you can keep your watch though dugout tempts you,
As round your post death's missiles fiercely pass,
If you with calm can face the hellish war-tune
If you can fight, though fightings not your aim;
If you can meet with vic'ry or misfortune,
And treat them both as part of the great game,
If you can bear the risks and daily terrors
Of frontline trench or billets nightly shelled,
And serve the staff as though they've made no errors,
Though often, perhaps, quite different views you've held;
If you can speculate upon your chances
Of winning through, and count them ten to one,
And take the lot on counting deaths last dances
Where duty calls or honour to be won;
If you serene can face the shell made curtain,
and through it merge, with courage undismayed,
Nor turn right nor left to make more certain
You're not alone-not alone being unafraid;
if though you wish for peace, you've yet decided
You will not sheath the sword you wear today;
Even though in arms you may have long abided,
You'll carry on till foes shall own your sway;
If you can kill the Huns and keep on killing,
Until at length they cry aloud, “you've won!”
Yours is the corps whose glories send hearts thrilling,
You're justly proud—you're rnd, my son. "
If (after Rudyard Kipling)
If you can join the Group whilst fellow workers
Are hanging back and leaving it to you—

If you can pay your sub. and show the shirkers
You 're out to beat “Old Nasty” and his crew—

If you can urge them to the resolution
To sign the form and undertake their share—

If you can raise your weekly contribution
Another sixpence here, a sixpence there,

If you can watch your savings ever growing
With more Certificates at fifteen bob,

 And watching them, can feel a pride at knowing
They go to help Old England do her job—

If you can keep your book and all that 's in it,
Nor seek repayment till the fight is won,

Peace shall be yours, for you will help to win it—
And what is more, I know you can, my son! "

"If
If you can keep your computer on, while those about you
Are crashing theirs and blaming it on you.
If you can run a game while all men doubt you
But make allowence for their doubting too,
If you can wait, and not be tired of waiting
For the 5megabyte program to load
When you know its you thcomputers hating.
Its because of you the computer slowed.
If you can dream of an ultimate anti-virus
If you can think, but fix compiter is your main aim

If you can meet with the computer pirates
Who infected the Win 95 mainframe.
If you can bear to see thprogram youve written
Destroyed by the millenium bug.
Or your desktop pet, your kitten
Meet its maker, and you only shrug.

If you can make one heap of all your software
And risk it on one game of Quake
Then lose, and say I dont care
But,oh, dont gloat, for Petes sake.
If you can force your monitor and modem
To serve your turn long after you have ceased to be.
And have you made a game that showed em
You can program in AED?

If you can make a site and keep your virtue
Deal with a bug, nor lose the common touch.
If neither your PC, nor anyones can hurt you,
If all computers count with you, but none too much.
If you can say In a minute!
Fulfill your promise, and still stay sane
Yours is the Web and everything in it.
Oh no, my modems crashed åÇæìñ"



 
 

 
“The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.”
? Abigail Van Buren

Offline phatdave

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Re: If Poem Parodies
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2009, 12:21:05 am »
i loved the original, didnt like the others though. thanks for posting.

Online TylerDurden

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Re: If Poem Parodies
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2018, 08:41:13 pm »
The advice to applicant is sourced from here:-

https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/advice-to-an-applicant-parody-rudyard-kipling-if/

Jonathan Robin.
“The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.”
? Abigail Van Buren

Offline sabertooth

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Re: If Poem Parodies
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2018, 11:27:57 pm »
If is the Middle Word of Life
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8B4dhHUN9A
A man who makes a beast of himself, forgets the pain of being a man.