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« on: June 04, 2011, 04:46:27 pm »
This idea of mono/poly-gamy occupies my mind a lot recently. I am getting married this summer and it might be the reason why it kicks in now. Because, funny enough the closer it is to wedding date the more I am in touch with my raw male energy that includes approaching women I do not know, flirting, physical contact, taking risks, wanting to show off with my good qualities and impress women I am attracted to but do not know yet very well.
All of this was in the state of sleep before and it kicks in in this very moment. I know this might be a part of fear of commitment- I think everyone have it and need to deal with it. But on the other hand I do not find my emerging desires unhealthy or unwelcome. It is good to feel all of this, regardless of what voice of my culture and my own superego has to say about it. And in my own mind it is nothing untruthful and bad too. Because the interesting thing is that my love to my fiancee is at its peak right now. It is my consciouss decision to marry her and existence this desires to flirt with other women does not mean that I do not love her or I got tired with her or anything else. I know it is how she would think when she happened to know about it (she does not) and she would feel hurt and let down and unloved. But the fact is: in my male eyes I do love her and respect her and appreciate her and still long for sexual contact with other women.
And I am in really fucked up situation about it because:
1) I cant even bring it up with her because even discussing about it would hurt her and could spoil our bond together
2) I cant just act my impulses out freely - it would be cheating - it is too stresfull for me, and I have too much respect for her to risk the possibility of her embarassment disapointment.
3) I can pretend everything is ok and give up this part of myself as I was doind my whole life, but hey it is a vital part of me that is real and very important. Maybe someone suggests that I should work on bringing back the fire between us, into the relationship. But I think it is not possible - 10year old relationship has different kind of "fire" - we still have great intimacy and sexual relationship but it is definately not the same thing that I described in first part of this post.
So i start to wonder..is it me or has our culture gone astray in regards to our sexuality at some point? And it it is the case, what is ideal model? Because giving up marriange or lifetime relationships do not seem to work very well as we can see in swingers communities.