Journalistica

[Paleo Donk]

Don't worry about not being able to do kipping pull-ups first time around (not that you worry) as they are very skill based and I'm not sure how much they translate to anything else, though cf will lead you to believe they do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7spRknkD1hU

Beautiful women on internet dating in a few days? Either you have a wide (literally) definition of beauty or you have also gotten a huge amount of responses from the fatties. I'm on a site too and can't seem to find anyone that has both decent grammar skillz (sad, since my own standards are quite low) and attractiveness. Perhaps I'm being too picky... Online sites are great for banging random chicks though if you are into that sort of thing. One of my buddies from college who could never connect with any chicks suddenly became a stud once he went fishing online. It's like fishing with dynamite.

[KD]

lol, no I'm serious, I actually have pretty high standards and am only looking for girls that I can see myself tolerating for more than sex. Nothing concrete has developed yet, so its pretty meaningless, other than the fact that I expected most people to be immediately turned off by what I wrote. It seems like from the female profiles that the males at least in my area are the ones who can't come up with anything other than "whadusdp Shorty"

[Paleo Donk]

Since you are mainly looking for a solid relationship (presumably one), I think your strategy of being as honest as you can be is correct. Some people, including my brother, attempt to tell me to avoid being upfront about my diet to women. I ignore this advice and I thought of an example to illustrate this point while driving to a farm today.

Suppose you have ten women that you are interested in and are available for pursuit of a romantic relationship and you have two options - either to not be as forthcoming as you can be about yourself, which might attract a greater number of women, or use your current strategy which might be off-putting to the vast majority but very appealing for one of them.

Here is some math behind this thinking. So, for the 10 women, going with the other strategy of concealing information you will have a much larger appeal, say each woman has on average a 30%(don't be offended by this number, its just used to illustrate a point) chance that she will want to start a relationship with you. On average, you will have 3 dates. This is similar to what politicians do. They have no need to be honest because they are looking for the broadest scope of appeal. And direct honesty will simply cause them to lose votes, at least thats how they think.

Now your strategy is completely different and to be honest which will lead to you having a 0% chance with 90% of the women and a 100% chance with 10% of them. As you can see, you will have on average about 1 date from the same 10 women above but the chance that this woman is truly for you is going to be much, much higher. With the alternate strategy, you would likely not even have a chance to date this woman (she probably wouldn't be one of the three), but with yours you are almost guaranteed to find her. The assumption that you are only looking for one woman for a long-term relationship is important here. You won't have to waste time dating women that won't be interested in you as well.

I apply this sort of reasoning when it comes to job applications. Most people have advised me to not put professional poker on my resume. Of course, I ignore this advice as I am just looking for one job and don't care how many times I get rejected. The one employer that happens to like the fact that I was a professional poker player will most likely be a great match. This seems like common sense but most people think in terms of getting the most people to like them which is not correct in my opinion.

[KD]

yes, we should market this

We shall call it: The Ross Perot Strategy to Meeting Women. has a nice ring to it, too bad I don't have the accompanying bankroll.

I think not caring is really another asset. I just got out of a relationship and am not desperate. Women take notice of that - the latter. I have anxieties over the raw meat thing, so it makes way more sense to me to mention at least some limitations that will drive away those that are clearly not right, right away. I don't see what outcome your brother expects, its like with that other dating thread, of course I can muster up the energy to ask out a random woman (say in person), but what probability is there that there will be even a physical encounter (even if that is all one is seeking) without engaging the issue of eating raw meat. At the very least I'm looking for someone that is ok with what I do for my health, and isn't totally paranoid about how it might affect her or is just bothered otherwise. But just to clarify further, I said alot of replies from SOME beautiful women, so many of the replies were not beautiful or apparently could read my qualifiers. Laughably, this particular site keeps track of how many response you do not reply, thus giving it displayed status to be totally selective. Although the jokes on me still because I'll be surprised if when it comes down to it, the raw meat thing is not an issue. extreme upfront honesty might factor somewhat into this probability among such 'general' groups.

I totally agree about the resume, I've done the same with other activities and often had questions about them on interviews. although I've of course applied for many jobs without getting any call backs, most interviews I've been on have succeeded. I once put a little graphic kind of bar using dashes and things and a bunch of different but tasteful font choices, the woman said it was the least professional resume she had ever seen, and hired me. Ironically it was a somewhat creative/skilled job. She hired me for the experience, and maybe my resume choices didn't at all help, but they didn't hurt at least severely.

[KD]

Well I did the third part in training for CrossFit tonight

it continues to be insane for me, just the instruction and warmups are enough to knock me on my ass before the actual 'workout' part. I actually fared ok though considering it was probably the hardest physical test in some time that I have faced.

it consisted of:

50 Thrusters (squats) [ with only 60-70? lbs of weight - http://media.crossfit.com/cf-video/CrossFit_BBThrusters.wmv]
50 Knees to Elbows [ http://media.crossfit.com/cf-video/CrossFit_Knees2Elbows.wmv]
50 Wall Ball [throwing a 14 lb medicine ball while squatting - http://media.crossfit.com/cf-video/CrossFit_Wallball.wmv]
50 sit-ups (I really like the cf sit-up, they use a special pad and you go through the full range of motion with fingers touching behind you to touching the floor in front of you, in other words, not super easy]

so this in any combination and until you finish. I didn't finish first but I think I might have chose a poor order, and the K2E exercise is just insanely hard especially when you are totally out of breath. After awhile it was like torture to do 5. The medicine ball too, because basically no matter how strong you are you are using a great deal of your own strength to throw it and the posture is just hard on your body.

I had to run for the warmup and I couldn't remember the last time I actually did that, heh, it didn't too feel bad. They have one workout that envolves running a mile, than doing all kinds of lifting/endurance, than running another mile. luckily they post the days workout on the web, so I'll be passing on that day for the time being.

we shall see how beneficial this continues to be, but I'm amazed how much my form improved with the various squats with instruction. The teachers I've had so far have all been excellent, and I'm fairly picking with learning things.

http://www.crossfit.com/cf-info/excercise.html
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I ate a bunch of pecans for the first time in months the other night and had crazy dreams and woke up with a terrible headache. some people see nuts as brain type detox, and also don't recommend eating them at night. They could have of course just been rancid as I bought them at Whole Foods but I've been getting similar type symptoms lately like with the extreme exercise, feeling kind of feverish in my head. Still not sure if this is a postive or negative sign re:salt or hydration or possibly something with my diet or adaptation.

on an interesting note, WF is labeling some of their meats 100% grass-fed now, whereas before they only carried some packaged meat that had a label from a farm that I researched to be 100% grass-finished (or on legume grass or whatever) and they now have meat in the tank with that label. I'm not quite sure what to make of it because before the New Zealand lamb was simply labeled grass-fed which have been thought to be fed some grain there, and now they have a 100% grass-fed lamb. I'm quite sure on taste alone and it being somewhat leaner that this new stuff does seem like better quality. Either way its very tasty, the other stuff would get rank really quick.

[KD]

http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/general-discussion/beds-pillows-indoors-and-outdoors-where-and-how-do-you-sleep/msg39370/#msg39370

funny I posted about moving into a new pad in the 'paleo bed' thread, and since then its been so hot that I've moved from my floor futon to the wood ground. The first night my sleep was disturbed because of the heat presumably and I don't even have a fan running, so I just grabbed a balled up winter blanked that is basically <1/4 in. unpadded and slept on that. its been 3 nights now and seems to work fine. I might just end up getting a futon frame that can double as a couch and just sleep on a blanket unless I have guests.

Things are continuing to be on the up in many ways, but in my increased wellness, it seems more feasible to piece my social life back together and I can't help but see things as bittersweet. What I unfortunately need to continue feeling well seems to act contrary to the kinds of things I want to do like build relationships/ travel etc...When I feel like totally crap it I guess appears more necessary and there is no questioning, although like I'm sure most of us know, there is paradoxically little available that heals one so that they are well enough to eat crap.

There were some issues brought up recently in regards to 'the health of the world' and the possibilities of raw. Let me just say I couldn't disagree more that the raw diet solves problems so easily or that people are all in abysmal health except for some due to a variety of miracles I suppose. I think when people crossover from raw being an incredible health accessory to being a panacea,  or would improve random peoples lives I start to really wretch. Other than the often ignored technologies of ancients, everyone knows that folks have lived to 100 smoking and drinking and eating greasy sandwiches or whatever. I agree with some in that - that period is probably over. Very few people born post-war or much later will probably be so lucky. At the same time, I know PLENTY of people who look great in their 40's-50's who still smoke, still drink and live the big city social scene, live probably in super polluted buildings,work toxic jobs, drink tap water and definitely at least eat crap by RPD standards. I know baby boomers that are holding up fine, and contrary to popular belief, not everyone is on prescription drugs. Some people can't even afford them, probably have access to the worst foods and education about nutrition, and I see these people all the time looking totally fierce.

I've seen people on forums say the most ridiculous things (specifically raw vegans) about ditching all their 'SAD' peers and such, because obviously most people DO NOT understand. For most, they see it as some kind of deprivation from life's pleasures. I've been at this long enough to know that sometimes these kinds of concerns are dormant for years and can be rationalized or overcome by sheer determination, and yet largely according to statistics, people bail on the very things they sit around and vehemently defend like they have some magic mirror. Although many years have cleared the debris and the chemical cravings, I still get frustrated how I lost that ability to be blissfully ignorant a long time ago. If I knew I could non-symptomatically eat conventional crap even if it was totally poor tasting like acid and only had the social benefits I would take it in a second over eating suet like its an apple at work in order to maintain a slightly higher level of health. Its funny with vegans especially, that they can spend all their time training and picking fruit or whatever,following all the rules, claim the absolute best diet, and fail miserably in whatever area they are 'competitive' in. I think as RAF'ers of whatever variety, it pays to have some humility with some of this stuff and not play into the same patterns and dogma and make generalized comments about others they don't even know or can imagine how they feel.

http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/exercisebodybuilding/today%27s-workout/msg39513/#msg39513
ANYWAY...posted my latest exercise stuff, performing pretty well considering. eating very little protein these days (cow is tasting strange to me, and my supplies of goat and quality bison were dried out) and eating mostly marrow bones and suet again.  Suet seems to be digesting well this time, but I'm still not a fan. Eggs have been tough to get too, so I've been massively under-eating again. I actually feel fine eating little food but the increased activity and heat are taking its toll on my weight again (although probably less so than one would expect with the huge detriment), but it could get precarious if I don't start shifting things more in a regular direction. More things I don't want to do...

Oh I shaved as well. I had a beard that grew in freak fast and ended up looking pretty bad.

[KD]

Pretty stoked to be moving into a new place. 1st one bedroom I've had since 2000. I have the whole top floor of a house, which is enough room for me, all my stuff (which is nada), and like a small family.

Now that I'm sleeping on the floor, I don't even know much about what I am going to get for furniture. Someone left a nice futon frame, and I already have the futon I was sleeping on w/o frame. So I guess I am set for something more substantial if I have company.

also of note, due to the move theres a fire-sale on my high-meat stock. I've been chucking that stuff down alot more regularly to both finish it off also out of curiosity to see what happens.

http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/display-your-culinary-creations/high-meat-recipe-preparation-for-more-advanced-rafers/msg36840/#msg36840
The super task is finishing the 120 day old batch that I have been just airing passively for the last month in terror, I finally threw it back today. note to self, avoid the tongue completely, breath deep.

I have a back yard in the new place, but its like city style, and I don't want to freak out my neighbors just yet. plus from what I gather its good to have some month+ sized breaks in between taking high meat for longer periods.

I have a bunch of 60 day that I may bring with me, maybe just airing out one jar looks less conspicuous. or I could chug it.

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http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/exercisebodybuilding/today%27s-workout/msg39789/#msg39789
still doing the CF stuff. doing well I suppose. doing all the stuff barefooted. I dropped a 25 lbs weight on my foot (just from its own height off a bar not waist height), and it definitely hurt(s), but never got swollen or anything.

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The eating three times a day seems to work really well for me, not only can I take in a more appropriate amount of food, it seems to stimulate my appetite more. So hopefully I can gain a little bit over time again without too much effort, or at the very least keep up with activity. I've never dropped serious body-weight this last month or so, but it was getting precarious eating well under 2k most days. I look somewhat smaller, I think my legs have gotten slightly bigger. I think also my workouts were probably better in some ways for body-sculpting than CF which seems to be better at targeting other muscle groups that I avoided. I'm still doing my own thing here and there.

I've been eating more summer fruit (in terms of frequency anyway). seems I went from .5 lb of fruit every 1-2 weeks to every few days. I like taking it after a workout, but still the small amounts. mostly .5 but maybe up to 1-1.5 lb of stone fruits. I eat it with raw butter.

It seems the symptoms associated with fungal stuff seem to overall improve, although they shift around. Before any sugar was followed by all: fatigue, itchy ears, itchy feet and often itchy other places. then it was just fatigue and some feet itching. now it seems like I'm just back getting the ear thing and it isn't as bad, perhaps some fatigue, but doesn't seem to correspond to GI at all. Berries seem to be the worst for some reason, which leads me to believe its possibly some kind of repair, as my energy overall seems to be getting better and better.

the other catch with the new place is I will not be able to afford any basic stuff like cable or internet, so we'll see how that goes. I'll be able to check in here and there at work and maybe cafes, but won't be able to engage much in heated conversations. Probably better off for all parties.   I lived for many years that way so I'm not too concerned, and rather looking forward to being forced into more interaction and more 'meaningful' activities.

[Cinna]

...but won't be able to engage much in heated conversations.

  Sounds like you're doing great, KD. I'm happy for you.

[KD]

thanks Cinna. I like to complain but yeah, can't complain as much these days . As for the convos, I'm sure I'll find some way to manage...

Recent updtates: Without planning it out, I'm basically walking distance to the only quality farmers market in the area.

There I can get really quality brisket (frozen) and 100% pastured eggs (cheapish) and organs. So I've upped my egg intake greatly for a bit to see how that goes. Still eating alot of bones, butter, bison, lamb, goat and some suet, peppered with meals here and there of scallops and chicken and small servings of fruit every few days. The major change is I've caved under pressure and started to add Redmond's Real Salt to my diet. Not to assuage any symptom per se but just because I've had little salt in almost 5 years. So far the major seemingly obvious effect is I need to drink alot more water which is a real drag. I seem to drink more water than anyone at CF, which makes little sense other than the VLC component, but odds are many people there are not consuming many raw carbs and are consuming lots of dehydrated cooked foods so its kindof a 'what gives?' I don’t seem to have major HCL issues but I get occasional burping here and there, so we’ll see if this makes much of a dif.

 The only downside of the new place is the water is the most chlorinated I have ever seen and is milky. I intended on getting a filter for drinking, but I think I'll have to get a filter just for hand and dish washing and keep using bottled mineral water which is $$ &  . I just got my shower filter in the mail, so we'll see how that goes. Still have my existential woes about the diet and wanting to not be the wierd guy with the meat fridge, but I have to say I've feeling pretty dam good.

here are my recent workouts. Doing well energy/stamina wise

Sun:

Row 2K
50 wall ball (20/14-lb)
Row 1k
30 Wall ball (20/14-lb)
Row 500 M
20 Wall Ball (20/14-lb)

http://media.crossfit.com/cf-video/CrossFit_Wallball.wmv]

in total that makes 3.5 k row! and 100 wallball

Fri:

Worked on Power Cleans @95 lb

WOD: 30 Burpee Clean and Jerks (I used 65lb, supposed to be 135lb, getting the form down)
Hands start on bar.  Do a burpee (chest touches bar), come up do a clean and jerk.  Hands cannot come off bar once burpee is started, but they can come off in between reps.

cheers

[Cinna]

Still have my existential woes about the diet and wanting to not be the wierd guy with the meat fridge, but I have to say I've feeling pretty dam good.

FWIW, we like that you're the weird, meat fridge guy who wears really short shorts... don't change.

[KD]

FWIW, we like that you're the weird, meat fridge guy who wears really short shorts... don't change.

Things are going well, I sorta co-oped Lex's journal for a bit so some of my recent thoughts are there re: the nature of energy and fuel. I tend to get bummed out with the idea that I have to go into further deeper adaptations, detoxes, and whathave you, and the thought of doing anything above and beyond what I already do for health is usually distressing as I've had alot of ups and downs on this path. It seems to only have bothered me for a day or so and I'm back to just appreciating the upward trends. I tend to live my life pretty well ignorning much of this stuff but from time to time I ask myself basic questions that I never have answers for which brings up some control related anxieties. Things like salt/no salt, green plants/no plants etc...I still struggle with the idea of doing this diet long term and how it affects my life on a daily basis.

For instance I 'went out for a drink' the other day, in a completely platonic way with some women. I havn't had a drink for almost 5 years, and I gave it up for health reasons and never really severe issues or anything (at least in comparrison to most people I know!). I've also never had a problem hanging out at bars with either friends or strangers when I lived in the city. The problem with this was it was during the day time, outside, and I met them specifically for a drink. When I came down to it, I jsut shooed the waitress off and all was fine, but I did stew about it the days before somewhat. The actual eating stuff of course goes way beyond that. It bothers me that its clearly such an issue, especially in forming real relationships/parternships etc...I guess my goal therefore which I've picked up on over the years is to be very healthy and confident about things as to make it a non issue and to be more flexible in various occasions. Of course this won't necessarily work magic with women who find the whole thing totally repulsive and antisocial (seemed to be a factor in my last relationship). also some people moved into my appartment house which seem pretty cool, and seemed to express interest in hanging out etc...It just seems odd to me that eventually I'll have to let in people that I don't even know really into my thing. The fact that they live in the building bothers me.

Anyway, I did try some cooked food again for the first time in awhile. Maybe others do this all the time and don't talk about it, but I'll make my little formal annoucement and say the experience (so far) seemed to be fairly negligable. I went to a non-WF natural market that seems to have totally shit meat section. They have decent seafood, as all that comes from the same port around here more or less, but everything looked pretty bland. I bought some in-store made chicken sausages that were sourced I guess form Bell & Evans, which sells pretty quality chicken that I eat raw. These wern't labeled organic or anything though but the ingredients were minimal (chicken, salt spieces basically) and they actually carried 'fertile eggs' that are proudly stamped '100% grain fed'. ahh well they tasted pretty good with the sausages. I ate a bunch of raw sauerkraut, some lettuce leaf and herbs I had picked, and some dulse. I experienced some mucous the next day but it was nothing like when I tried the bone broths, I was able to workout the (next) same day.


http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/exercisebodybuilding/today's-workout/msg43192/#msg43192

[Cinna]

I tend to live my life pretty well ignorning much of this stuff but from time to time I ask myself basic questions that I never have answers for which brings up some control related anxieties. Things like salt/no salt, green plants/no plants etc...I still struggle with the idea of doing this diet long term and how it affects my life on a daily basis.

I am often in a state of confusion/indecision, so sometimes it's much easier for me to just self muscle-test, especially if I'm not trusting or hearing my intuition, because my body knows better than my mind/chatter/thought does. I get an instant answer and go with it - saves time. (Even if my self muscle-testing could occasionally be biased, I figure that I get the answer that I really wanted to get, so I go for it! It's a hope-to-win, maybe-win situation. )

For instance I 'went out for a drink' the other day, in a completely platonic way with some women. I havn't had a drink for almost 5 years, and I gave it up for health reasons and never really severe issues or anything (at least in comparrison to most people I know!). I've also never had a problem hanging out at bars with either friends or strangers when I lived in the city. The problem with this was it was during the day time, outside, and I met them specifically for a drink. When I came down to it, I jsut shooed the waitress off and all was fine, but I did stew about it the days before somewhat.

Just wanted to clarify, so you didn't have anything to drink?

The actual eating stuff of course goes way beyond that. It bothers me that its clearly such an issue, especially in forming real relationships/parternships etc...I guess my goal therefore which I've picked up on over the years is to be very healthy and confident about things as to make it a non issue and to be more flexible in various occasions. Of course this won't necessarily work magic with women who find the whole thing totally repulsive and antisocial (seemed to be a factor in my last relationship). also some people moved into my appartment house which seem pretty cool, and seemed to express interest in hanging out etc...It just seems odd to me that eventually I'll have to let in people that I don't even know really into my thing. The fact that they live in the building bothers me.

Being very healthy and confident and making it a non-issue is a great, reasonable plan. I try to do the same (in other areas of my life). If I can make something a non-issue from the start, I do, and it's done. But other things take a bit longer - definitely a process, like a Tibetan knot: "Often when we tug at one part of a knot while trying to loosen it, another part becomes tighter. You have to work with the knot to enable it to come undone." I think it's natural, part of one's process, even part of one's life's "work." Sorry, I know I sound so vague...

I realize it takes time to work with the knot until it finally comes undone. It requires patience, self-kindness, self-understanding, and unconditional self-acceptance. It's definitely an inside job (where I really should be working my magic). Today, one might wonder, "Hm. I wonder if this person would find my diet repulsive/antisocial/unacceptable..." In the future, one might wonder instead, "Hm. I wonder if this person possesses the wisdom/intelligence and sensitivity to realize how amazing I am... I wonder if this person will recognize/acknowledge and honor what my body and spirit have been through, how far I've come to find my own way and heal myself, and how passionate I am about health, fitness, and clarity and peace of mind... I wonder if this person would respect me and my WOE, as much as I would respect him/her and his/her WOE... If this person were so lucky, s/he would be so blessed to know me and be part of my life." I just thought I would reframe it, since it's so easy to see oneself in a skewed way. I'm often surprised to hear how my friends/coworkers perceive me or how they feel about me - it's much better than how I usually see myself or feel about myself. Hm.

AFAIK, you're not a pedophile, necrophiliac, or sex trafficker of women and children... at least, you haven't let on that you're any of those things. Many/most people would find the above repulsive/unacceptable. I see eating RAF for your health and well-being as something admirable. As soon as it's a non-issue, people who would be repulsed by RAF would just pass you on the street anyway. You wouldn't notice them; they wouldn't notice you so much... and that's plum great! When there's no longer a charge, you'll draw in people who respect and admire you for how you eat. Nevermind "tolerate" or "accept" - you deserve better than that.

KD, I hope you don't take offense to what may seem like advice-giving. Honestly, if I ever appear to be giving advice on this forum, I'm actually secretly speaking to myself (reinforcing my personal beliefs, encouraging myself to practice what I preach, giving myself some reassurance, et al.). When I have a charge with a particular issue, I tend to attract people who judge me for exactly what I am self-conscious/insecure/ashamed about. And I attract situations where people, who are already in my life, blessedly remind me over and over and over again (and over again more) what more inside work I have. I don't have so much issue with trying to go RAF/RPD, but I have other issues and I'm figuring out how to apply what I've written here to those issues. I won't go into what those issues are, but FWIW, I think they are "worse" than eating RAF - in fact, way worse, since I consider RPD so healthy.  

Oh, and no - my issues do not include pedophilia, necrophilia, or sex trafficking.

[KD]

Nope, still clean, mean, and sober

Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. I've pretty much been involved with refining most of these internal processes you speak of other than the muscle-testing. I think journaling, in a way, is part of this process in terms of getting things out there that you can then see the transparency and frivilousness of it all in respect to the big picture.

feel free to speak to yourself here, I'm actually not checking alot of threads here these days to avoid even more contention in my life and rather enjoyed what you wrote.

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http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/exercisebodybuilding/today's-workout/msg44185/#msg44185

[Cinna]

Nope, still clean, mean, and sober

Congratulations on being able to do that for so long. I have never been a big drinker and usually manage just fine - feeling fine - not drinking while the people around me are, but since I can drink for free where I work and sometimes I just want to partake like everybody else and it has been extra stressful lately, I have had some Ladybug Red diluted with water recently and I had a very small glass of beer (maybe 5-6 oz.) last week - just for the taste because I love the taste. OK, also to drink alongside a coworker who recently turned 21 - I was helping him continue to celebrate.  

I think I would have been just as happy with a shot glass-sized amount of beer (I take a sip and hold it in my mouth for awhile to taste - I don't chug or swallow/drink it like water), but at the time I was thinking it would be such a pain for the bartender to fill a shot glass with beer from the tap! It would be easier if I couldn't drink for free (I have some freegan tendencies) - I only drink at work, haha. I have to applaud your discipline.

Thanks for your wonderful thoughts. I've pretty much been involved with refining most of these internal processes you speak of other than the muscle-testing. I think journaling, in a way, is part of this process in terms of getting things out there that you can then see the transparency and frivilousness of it all in respect to the big picture.

feel free to speak to yourself here, I'm actually not checking alot of threads here these days to avoid even more contention in my life and rather enjoyed what you wrote.

Aw, you're a prince, KD... I don't want my own forum journal, so I'm so happy that I can speak to myself here in your journal! Thank you, I'll be sure to talk about my period (once every 28 days), ovaries, costume jewelry, organic tampons, feng shui, Alien Nation, homeopathy, baby goats, and other critical questions/issues pertaining to life and career - liquid eyeliner or pencil eyeliner? I'll be posting pix of my cats and comic book collection here, as well. OK? Swell! I'm co-opting your journal because you said I could.

I've been following the Live Owl Nest Box Cam that you mentioned awhile back... I have a great, totem animal affinity for barn owls, so have been observing Molly since she was sitting on her four eggs. The last two owlets didn't make it and the cameras were turned off at the appropriate times so without an audience, Molly could do what barn owls do when their young die. http://www.birds.cornell.edu/Publications/Birdscope/Summer2006/view_sapsucker_summer2006.html

So fascinating... Anyways, apparently Molly and McGee are quite famous now with a great following and even merchandise (which doesn't bother me as much as I would have thought it would - I think the Box owners are very good people and have approached things tastefully - I have the feeling that the fans strongly desire this merchandise). Some of the fans are really into it. The two surviving owlets are at that super funny-looking age.  Cute. http://www.sportsmansparadiseonline.com/Live_Owl_Nest_Box_Cam.html

Thank you for mentioning the Box Cam. It's one thing to hear about how owls hatch and care for their young, but totally different to see it everyday - to watch Molly dutifully sitting on her eggs almost 24/7, to know that she relies on McGee to get her food while she's sitting on the eggs, to know that they're mates for life... it's no wonder that people are so endeared to them - even naming the owlets, mourning their deaths, making artwork inspired by the owls, baking cakes! http://mollysbox.wordpress.com/blog/

Crazy. Crazy fine/OK, not crazy bad.

I haven't been on the forum as much as I was a couple weeks ago. I've gotten so much out of everybody's contributions, but I can't keep up with all of it and I was doing too much forum-ing, and not enough implementing and focusing and actual doing. So I'm def not up to speed with all the discussions, but I still love to connect/check out/catch up because the support is invaluable, especially during transition. So I'm thankful to the wonderful people on the forum.  And to KD, for indulging me in his journal!

[KD]

OMG, Molly is The Matrix!



I liked how their floor  at one point was basically a bunch of dead rat heads. Its amazing that the technology is accessible to have a non-nature show DIY view into the gritty reality of such things.

ah, ladybug is like a wine blend. hmm. I've had this internal conversation over the years as to hypothetically what alcohol would be workable. I know Daniel Vitalis and a few other raw veg type folks are into raw beers as potential health tonics, and probably wines although I hear less about that other than most wines I believe being raw. Then their are the ones made form sugar cane and agave and not grain, which would probably knock me on the floor pretty quick these days. Years ago I used to ride around on my bike with Jameson in my back pocket and it would be gone by the end of the night. I'd somehow manage to ride home on Manhattan bridge and such. Things like that make me tend to believe in angels. . Seems like everyone at my CF gym drinks beer and eats flexible 'paleo' and most people seem really healthy to me.



heres an updated pic. my hair looks pretty shiny and curly. the recipe is shower filter + sun + 12 bison bones a week. Actually, unfortunately I've been getting alot less sun in the last few weeks. I'm considering getting the 'now' brand vitamin D softgels, particularly for the winter.

They have the coolest thing at the gym now. http://rosstraining.com/blog/2010/04/09/softball-grip-pull-ups/  soft-ball grips for pull-ups. I tried them out last night and this morning I busted out 10 in a row, which I think is pretty good considering 10 deadhangs in general ain't an easy piece of cake. It seems to work more of your bicep and forearms rather then your back as much.

Still struggling with the overhead squats and snatches and so forth. I did a 1.5 hour long muscular mobility massage afterward which was super intense. After one session I'm already a believer that such things are probably essential for proper muscle development, and is likely what alot of the pros and actors and such do. The foam rollers and simmilar things are great but they don't even remotely compare. I feel that particularly on this diet with a lot of breakdown, catabolism and repair, there can be alot of build up of stuck energy and stuck tissue which can just cause poor advancement, or serious problems long term or just plain stress, pain there or elsewhere, or just reabsorbtion of toxins back into tissue. Various types of yoga (kundalini) or qi gong are specifically designed deal with alot of this sort of thing but I believe we require more and not less attention on raw to this kind of flow of old matter. How effective is throwing a bunch of clean sponges into a room full of trash bags?

On a side note, my skin continues to get cleaner, more transparent, and vascular, I can see the veins protruding except for the main line by the upper bicep. I can still feel a little of the little balls under the skin that Dr. Cassar talks about, but along with the major energy shift, slightly increased tolerance towards carbs and cooked meat experiments, I feel like I'm making alot of progress with any remaining fungal stuff and just generally. I'm eating a bit more and throwing down alot more eggs, without any conscious effort, I've actually managed to climb back in the upper 160's, all of it being in a big lump on my stomach. kidding my stomach is pretty lean thanks to all the bike riding and doing sit-ups at CF, which i never really do on my own workouts. I'm guessing I've put some mass on my legs, they are looking more fierce.

http://www.rawpaleoforum.com/exercisebodybuilding/today%27s-workout/msg44630/#msg44630




bring on the feral pix and the organic tampons. I fear nothing.

[Cinna]

ah, ladybug is like a wine blend. hmm. I've had this internal conversation over the years as to hypothetically what alcohol would be workable. I know Daniel Vitalis and a few other raw veg type folks are into raw beers as potential health tonics, and probably wines although I hear less about that other than most wines I believe being raw. Then their are the ones made form sugar cane and agave and not grain, which would probably knock me on the floor pretty quick these days.

Yes, that is Ladybug Red.   Interesting...

I'm back to not drinking. If I can't help myself, I'm sure I could limit it to a few ounces. It's taste that I like, not quantity (unless I want to numb out and go crazy, haha kinda sorta).

heres an updated pic. my hair looks pretty shiny and curly. the recipe is shower filter + sun + 12 bison bones a week.

OK, KD, you're not allowed to complain anymore about the difficulty of finding people whom you can eat RAF in front of. You are gorgeous. And with good health, happiness, and shiny-hair-good-looks, you should feel free to eat RAF anywhere you please and even a decently intelligent cooked vegan would notice you - not what you're eating. And if this hypothetical cooked vegan were more concerned with what you were eating, then you would know that this person had issues and that his/her priorities were screwed up.  If someone has issue with your WOE, you are not the one with the problem.

I do believe that food "culture" is usually a huge part of a person's personality/identity/life (I even did an oral report about it in a Southeast Asian Literature course), but at the same time, we are more than our fuel of choice. We are also funny jokes, intelligent conversation, silliness, kindness, shiny locks, fierce legs, et al. I wonder if you've really given people the chance to reject you - or not reject you. If you don't fully disclose what you eat to people who become very close (emotionally and/or proximity-wise) to you, people are liable to wonder and imagine their own frightening conclusions ("OMG, I bet KD eats tires and human babies..."). You don't have to walk around wearing a t-shirt that says, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful and eat raw bison bones" (although you could, justified), but maybe give people whom you trust the chance to accept you, approve of you, admire you, adore you. People can't approve of and adore us unless we give them the chance/opportunity to do so. I'm not preaching because I have my own tire-eating secrets, but I'm just saying.  I'm sure there are plenty of people who would be comfortable if you ate RAF in front of them (maybe more comfortable than you might be at first) and once you know it, these people will appear and would be very honored if you ate RAF in front of them. Just know it, own it, work it.

I feel that particularly on this diet with a lot of breakdown, catabolism and repair, there can be alot of build up of stuck energy and stuck tissue which can just cause poor advancement, or serious problems long term or just plain stress, pain there or elsewhere, or just reabsorbtion of toxins back into tissue. Various types of yoga (kundalini) or qi gong are specifically designed deal with alot of this sort of thing but I believe we require more and not less attention on raw to this kind of flow of old matter. How effective is throwing a bunch of clean sponges into a room full of trash bags?

I had to read this about a dozen times before I got it... I got it! And I agree.

bring on the feral pix and the organic tampons. I fear nothing.

I'll bring it. Don't worry.

I just have a video to share today... it doesn't quite fit anywhere on the forum (without unnecessarily creating a new topic), so I'm putting it here.  I love the concept of best friends, best buds - from Bruce Banner and Rick Jones to Logan and Kurt Wagner... Anyways, I love seeing it in the animal world as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

[Cinna]

Yes, that is Ladybug Red.  Interesting...

I'm back to not drinking. If I can't help myself, I'm sure I could limit it to a few ounces. It's taste that I like, not quantity (unless I want to numb out and go crazy, haha kinda sorta).

...I have had some Ladybug Red diluted with water recently and I had a very small glass of beer (maybe 5-6 oz.) last week - just for the taste because I love the taste. OK, also to drink alongside a coworker who recently turned 21 - I was helping him continue to celebrate.  

I think I would have been just as happy with a shot glass-sized amount of beer (I take a sip and hold it in my mouth for awhile to taste - I don't chug or swallow/drink it like water)...

I think this is the first time I've quoted myself (twice!), but I just found this article on "Right Drinking":
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lodro-rinzler/buddhism-and-alcohol-what_b_695369.html

(excerpt)
With that said, I think Right Drinking would include the following:

1. Know your intention: are you motivated to drink as a practice tool? To shake off a bad day at work? To relax with a friend? To drink your sorrows away? Knowing in advance what you're intending to use alcohol for is important. Drinking alcohol is a bit like taking out a chainsaw; if you don't know what you intend to do with it, you're going to get hurt.

2. Taste it: this is a very simple way to bring mindfulness to your drinking habits. Don't chug, don't gulp it down, but try to taste every sip. Enjoy the alcohol you drink. Along those lines, I'd recommend drinking less and drinking good alcohol -- quality, not quantity.

3. Watch what happens to your mind as you drink: notice the effect the alcohol has on you. You don't have to make a big deal of it, but you can at least pause after you finish a drink, look up, rest your mind, and see how you feel.

4. Find your own Middle Way: it might be that you're walking the fine line between relaxed, spacious, and pleasant now, but will one more drink push you over the edge into crazy town? As Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche encouraged his students to do, stop while you can still appreciate the situation.

Alcohol is easy to abuse. I don't want to seem like I'm trying to make binge-drinking OK by saying it is meditation. That's the opposite of what I'm trying to get across. Instead, I'm saying let's bring mindfulness to the act of drinking. Let's not overindulge; let's work with our craving in a fashion similar to the way we work with it on the meditation cushion. Let's enjoy the experience without falling into the trap of confusion.

At the end of the night of a Right Drinking, don't be surprised if instead of feeling woozy you feel refreshed by the experience.
(end excerpt)

The article also references this article on "mindful drinking":
http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Buddhism/2004/08/Awareness-In-Every-Sip.aspx

(excerpt)
Here's the basic idea: Once a meditator has developed basic Buddhist discipline (known as Hinayana training) and adopted the intention to dedicate his or her life to benefit others (the Mahayana view) the practitioner is ready to incorporate Vajrayana teachings, where the simple prohibitions outlined in the Sutras are re-evaluated. When a meditator reaches this point, which often takes a number years in the Shambhala tradition, a dangerous substance like alcohol is viewed as a potential aide for the practitioner. Within the context of strong discipline and clear intention, alcohol holds the possibility of no longer acting as a conventional escape, but instead being a tool for loosening the subtle clinging of ego.
(end excerpt)

All this time, I've been a mindful drinker and didn't realize it.

[KD]

OK, KD, you're not allowed to complain anymore about the difficulty of finding people whom you can eat RAF in front of. You are gorgeous. And with good health, happiness, and shiny-hair-good-looks, you should feel free to eat RAF anywhere you please and even a decently intelligent cooked vegan would notice you - not what you're eating. And if this hypothetical cooked vegan were more concerned with what you were eating, then you would know that this person had issues and that his/her priorities were screwed up.   If someone has issue with your WOE, you are not the one with the problem.

Thanks, I'm going for somewhere in between Logan and Wagner. Hopefully with pretty strong bones and ability to disappear quick!

I dunno, alot of this is just based on my experiences and also experiences on other raw diets. I do think most of this fades into the background if one is happy and healthy, but the problems isn't always getting someone to love you, its all the day to day stuff. So for me it has less to do with confidence although that always plays some role, especially since no one really definitively knows what is right which will create some minor insecurities. In my head I do try to keep it on my day to day and not worry about those future things. There are some developments in the works, I'll report as it unfolds.

I had to read this about a dozen times before I got it... I got it! And I agree.

yeah I seem to have a trademark here on dense impenetrable writing. Doesn't help that I leave out connective words sometimes and spell shit wrong. I had a philosophy teacher that really hammered down that writing something your grandmother could understand was the only tried and true way of knowing that you understand it yourself. I don't know if its my nature, or from reading comparable dense theory, but I find it a challenge and time consuming to do so sometimes so what comes out is how it comes to me. The Frenchies here seem to be bothered by it, but I'll just take the fifth and blame Althusser.

(excerpt)
With that said, I think Right Drinking would include the following:

1. Know your intention:

ah yes, I remember The Tequila Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

---------

I went to the beach yesterday and did some barefoot sprinting. It felt great. I was recently reminded by my dad that I was the fastest kid in my county when they used to corral everyone together to form soccer teams or whatever. haven't run at all really since my hip thing 5+ years ago and never much else before that. I'm really hoping I can pick it up again as it seems to be from an anatomical standpoint would be my best athletic pursuit. I live in a semi-industrial wasteland so I can't exactly hop out the house and go running. but there is a pretty clean path a few miles away I can bike to. I might try that.

--------

I've been talking to Teddy (PD) on the phone. He's doing well. He got a steady job tutoring school, and is reflecting and working hard on getting everything else into a better spot.

[Cinna]

Thanks, I'm going for somewhere in between Logan and Wagner. Hopefully with pretty strong bones and ability to disappear quick!

I dunno, alot of this is just based on my experiences and also experiences on other raw diets. I do think most of this fades into the background if one is happy and healthy, but the problems isn't always getting someone to love you, its all the day to day stuff. So for me it has less to do with confidence although that always plays some role, especially since no one really definitively knows what is right which will create some minor insecurities. In my head I do try to keep it on my day to day and not worry about those future things. There are some developments in the works, I'll report as it unfolds.

Yeah... Nightcrawler was/is my favorite X-man - in the books, not the movie. I was so disappointed in the movie's characterization. Superpower effects were awesome, but actor's portrayal was all wrong to me. The movies deviate so far from the books. I can understand why they would have to do that, but the real magic for me was in the books. I should just be grateful that they made good X-men movies.

I hope it didn't sound like I was minimizing your feelings and experiences. I have my own existential woes and we're all spread out all over the world but connected online like some RPD soul group. I feel like an RPD cheerleader - I want all of us to be happy and healthy and feel supported. As the days go by, I think I'm understanding better what you mean by "all the day to day stuff." I had a mini-meltdown last night and realized that in my head, I can "fix" everything with my wonderful thoughts, but when it comes down to it, the individual moments can be challenging and the challenging moments collectively, for me - somewhat overwhelming and mini-meltdown-aggravating.

yeah I seem to have a trademark here on dense impenetrable writing. Doesn't help that I leave out connective words sometimes and spell shit wrong. I had a philosophy teacher that really hammered down that writing something your grandmother could understand was the only tried and true way of knowing that you understand it yourself. I don't know if its my nature, or from reading comparable dense theory, but I find it a challenge and time consuming to do so sometimes so what comes out is how it comes to me. The Frenchies here seem to be bothered by it, but I'll just take the fifth and blame Althusser.

I think it's in your nature and from reading comparable dense theory.  It is true, sometimes I have no idea what you're talking about (not that I always understand everybody here), but often it's a lack of education/exposure to the subject/topic/person on my part. Sometimes I can decipher what you mean and when I can't, I just trust that it's your brilliance going over my head.  It is challenging and time-consuming to write lucidly all the time - it takes me a long time to compose and edit a post (and even then, I'm sure sometimes people are like, "Wha??"), don't be like that (me).

I can't help it. I have an uncanny (haha) kinesthetic reaction to spelling (and grammatical) errors. I can open a page in a book or a menu, for example, and instantly feel/know that something is awry... it may take a few seconds or longer to locate the error on the page, but I know it's there. I've proofread professionally, but I don't like to. I'm AR enough as it is, I don't want to focus or obsess on the details of every little thing - but I'm good at it. I'm like the brilliant math genius (except I'm not a genius) who is more passionate about karaoke and isn't even that good of a singer, but dreams of becoming a professional lounge singer and has little interest in doing math... Oh, it reminds me of Serena Williams becoming a nail technician! I love it.

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/02/17/2010-02-17_serena_williams_takes_time_away_from_the_tennis_courts_to_become_a_certified_nai.html

Adorable. I think some people (at least one gal on The Wendy Williams Show) thought that it was silly/ridiculous. I thought, "Awesome!" She's passionate about nails and not ashamed of her passion.

ah yes, I remember The Tequila Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Lol, yeah...

I've been talking to Teddy (PD) on the phone. He's doing well. He got a steady job tutoring school, and is reflecting and working hard on getting everything else into a better spot.

I was wondering how PD was. I'm so glad that he's doing well.

[KD]

Yeah... Nightcrawler was/is my favorite X-man - in the books, not the movie. I was so disappointed in the movie's characterization. Superpower effects were awesome, but actor's portrayal was all wrong to me. The movies deviate so far from the books. I can understand why they would have to do that, but the real magic for me was in the books. I should just be grateful that they made good X-men movies.

I'm surprised you are calling the X-men movies 'good'. Watchmen was 'good'

X-men (particularity 3) was a joke.

they should have someone like Nolan do a really dark X-men with a 'real' Rouge, Nightcrawler etc...maybe Gambit. with cool villains like Hellfire Club. Instead it looks like they actually might be some watered down version in the 'X-men First Class' film with January Jones (Mad Men) playing White Queen directed by the guy who did 500 Days of Summer. eeech. Kevin Bacon is in it also. The Green Lantern (which could potentially be like a Star Trek meets Spider-Man) is inevitably going to be a colossal cinematic flop as well unfortunately.

I hope it didn't sound like I was minimizing your feelings and experiences. I have my own existential woes and we're all spread out all over the world but connected online like some RPD soul group. I feel like an RPD cheerleader - I want all of us to be happy and healthy and feel supported. As the days go by, I think I'm understanding better what you mean by "all the day to day stuff." I had a mini-meltdown last night and realized that in my head, I can "fix" everything with my wonderful thoughts, but when it comes down to it, the individual moments can be challenging and the challenging moments collectively, for me - somewhat overwhelming and mini-meltdown-aggravating.

someone once impressed upon me that one of the only things you CAN control (if you are even able to) are your thoughts, and that trying to control circumstances is fairly trying and ineffective. The idea I guess is that if one is comfortable within ones thoughts, they don't have a tremendous amount of expectations for circumstances to make them feel particularly better or worse. Like not having any sense of 'hot' without 'cold' it becomes less easy to be bogged down by circumstances which are inevitably temporary. This has proven fairly true for me, but it doesn't mean that the circumstances arn't there or don't need to be handled or dealt with. I wish.

I think it's in your nature and from reading comparable dense theory.  It is true, sometimes I have no idea what you're talking about (not that I always understand everybody here), but often it's a lack of education/exposure to the subject/topic/person on my part. Sometimes I can decipher what you mean and when I can't, I just trust that it's your brilliance going over my head.  It is challenging and time-consuming to write lucidly all the time - it takes me a long time to compose and edit a post (and even then, I'm sure sometimes people are like, "Wha??"), don't be like that (me).

I can't help it. I have an uncanny (haha) kinesthetic reaction to spelling (and grammatical) errors. I can open a page in a book or a menu, for example, and instantly feel/know that something is awry... it may take a few seconds or longer to locate the error on the page, but I know it's there. I've proofread professionally, but I don't like to. I'm AR enough as it is, I don't want to focus or obsess on the details of every little thing - but I'm good at it. I'm like the brilliant math genius (except I'm not a genius) who is more passionate about karaoke and isn't even that good of a singer, but dreams of becoming a professional lounge singer and has little interest in doing math... Oh, it reminds me of Serena Williams becoming a nail technician! I love it.

yeah, I definitely think its half lack of editing, and half of it is that I actually think and talk in fairly complicated sentences sometimes. I tried to convince myself that it was just a writing style but I catch myself in conversation sometimes. I think it works better in person or on the phone, because like with the writing its more spontaneous and there is no expectation for it to be perfect and have clarity, but complex writing just works poorly when it is spontaneous and chocked full of error. I'll have to start using you as my editor in chief.  like in above I used 'day-to-day' in two completely opposite statements: the 1st to mean like going out in the world and being presented with conflicts and 2.) taking things day at a time, focusing on the present. whoops

[Cinna]

I'm surprised you are calling the X-men movies 'good'. Watchmen was 'good'

X-men (particularity 3) was a joke.

OK, KD, you're right in calling me out on that... because I didn't really mean it - that the movies were good. I was almost going to put "decent" - as in, quite decent, high production values in that slick, Hollywood-y way... c'mon, you have to give me that!

The reason why I put "good" was to avoid the wrath of any lurking fanboy/fangirl who professed to be an X-men fan. I'll rephrase what I truly meant: I should just be grateful that they made "good" X-men movies - "good" as in high production values and satisfactory to the mainstream public - but I'm really honestly fit to be tied that the movies didn't live up to my dreams, but I look for something to appreciate... and I do appreciate the attempt to bring these beloved characters to life even though it was so wrong in so many ways. It's hard to forgive "them" for the storylines and casting, but at least the books stand on their own.

It was still exciting to hope that the movies would be good. My sis (who had read comics too, but not superhero - Sandman and such) was so excited to take me to X2 because she really thought it was "good" (she had seen it before I did). I tried to explain to her why it/all was a disappointment to true X-men fans/readers. I worked in the comic book industry and as a former industry professional/reader/fangirl/collector, I suppose I am entitled to be supercritical of the movies, but instead I went for paranoid, preemptive "keeping the peace." I'll try to be more honest next time.

they should have someone like Nolan do a really dark X-men with a 'real' Rouge, Nightcrawler etc...maybe Gambit. with cool villains like Hellfire Club.

Yeah, Hellfire Club! I'm very fond of the Chris Claremont-Jim Lee era, but I think I really fell in love pre-Dark Phoenix Saga.

Instead it looks like they actually might be some watered down version in the 'X-men First Class' film with January Jones (Mad Men) playing White Queen directed by the guy who did 500 Days of Summer. eeech.

Haha!

Kevin Bacon is in it also. The Green Lantern (which could potentially be like a Star Trek meets Spider-Man) is inevitably going to be a colossal cinematic flop as well unfortunately.

Why so pessimistic? No, I understand. I didn't even see the second Hulk movie (my two favorite books of all time are The Incredible Hulk circa Peter David and The Uncanny X-men). The Green Lantern seems to be popular enough (judging by all the TGL t-shirts I'd see at Comicon - this was several years ago, before Comicon blew up - when Comicon was still about comics), but alas, I was true Marvel spirit (except for various independent stuff and Shade, the Changing Man).

someone once impressed upon me that one of the only things you CAN control (if you are even able to) are your thoughts, and that trying to control circumstances is fairly trying and ineffective. The idea I guess is that if one is comfortable within ones thoughts, they don't have a tremendous amount of expectations for circumstances to make them feel particularly better or worse. Like not having any sense of 'hot' without 'cold' it becomes less easy to be bogged down by circumstances which are inevitably temporary. This has proven fairly true for me, but it doesn't mean that the circumstances arn't there or don't need to be handled or dealt with. I wish.

I think the idea is also that you create your own reality by your thoughts/feelings and that circumstances do not make - cannot make - someone feel anything - it's our thoughts/reactions about a circumstance that causes our feelings and emotions. Our feelings/emotions create vibrations that attract whatever (people, things, experiences) of the same vibration - we are constantly vibrating our realities into existence. We can control our thoughts, but I think it takes discipline, awareness, and the willingness to be fully responsible for ourselves. It's much easier to blame circumstance/fate/karma/parents/society/the media/the outside world. That's why I reframe - I'm just changing my thoughts/perspective (thus, my feelings) about a seemingly unfavorable circumstance. The circumstance may not change a whit - but when you choose to consciously choose/change your thoughts (reframe), your feelings can dramatically change/reverse about the same circumstance... and then there is perfection and all is well in the world.

yeah, I definitely think its half lack of editing, and half of it is that I actually think and talk in fairly complicated sentences sometimes. I tried to convince myself that it was just a writing style but I catch myself in conversation sometimes. I think it works better in person or on the phone, because like with the writing its more spontaneous and there is no expectation for it to be perfect and have clarity, but complex writing just works poorly when it is spontaneous and chocked full of error.

I'd imagine that it works better in person - one could interrupt you for clarification as often as needed. At the same time - regarding writing - I believe that most of the writing/expressing we do is for ourselves ("talking to myself" in your journal). It's more about me and what I want/need to express - and possibly less about people actually getting or reading what I've written. Any opinion I express about a subject/person/post tells a lot more about me than the actual subject/person/post that I've written about. Maybe it's more important for you to express how you express than to be completely understood by everybody.

I'll have to start using you as my editor in chief.  like in above I used 'day-to-day' in two completely opposite statements: the 1st to mean like going out in the world and being presented with conflicts and 2.) taking things day at a time, focusing on the present. whoops

Haha - no, I don't want you to hate me. I was an Assistant Editor at the comic book company and the guys in my department hated to give me their columns/write-ups - but they had to - because I would return the columns/write-ups with lots of bloody red scribbles and corrections. One guy lamented that I was slaughtering his work to make it sound like Shakespeare. (Ohhhhh, I wasn't!)

I wouldn't know where to start with you.  Even if I understood what you were meaning to say, I feel that editing your words - tampering with your inclination to convolution - would somehow just damage what you created. It would be another creature - not your own. My new theory is that the convolution is actually perfectly intelligible on another plane of existence. Perhaps all this time, you've just been communicating with other entities on the other plane(s) and those entities understand you through and through. So you're fine. Don't change.

Oh - I actually did correctly understand both of your different uses of "day-to-day." Success!

[KD]

It was still exciting to hope that the movies would be good. My sis (who had read comics too, but not superhero - Sandman and such) was so excited to take me to X2 because she really thought it was "good" (she had seen it before I did). I tried to explain to her why it/all was a disappointment to true X-men fans/readers. I worked in the comic book industry and as a former industry professional/reader/fangirl/collector, I suppose I am entitled to be supercritical of the movies, but instead I went for paranoid, preemptive "keeping the peace." I'll try to be more honest next time.

Yeah, Hellfire Club! I'm very fond of the Chris Claremont-Jim Lee era, but I think I really fell in love pre-Dark Phoenix Saga.

Haha!

Why so pessimistic? No, I understand. I didn't even see the second Hulk movie (my two favorite books of all time are The Incredible Hulk circa Peter David and The Uncanny X-men). The Green Lantern seems to be popular enough (judging by all the TGL t-shirts I'd see at Comicon - this was several years ago, before Comicon blew up - when Comicon was still about comics), but alas, I was true Marvel spirit (except for various independent stuff and Shade, the Changing Man).

some of the characters were done great - Mystique, Jean Grey, Logan etc...

I dunno, I think anyone into comics (or any other OG format like books) will inevitably be dissatisfied with any film adaptations in terms of appealing to their own particular aesthetic or vision as to what that is. At the same time there are clearly artful ways of adaptation like in Sin City, Blade Runner etc.. Then, I think things like Watchmen and 30 Days of Night were pretty amazing adaptations,but ironically less successful as 'movies' in the way one usually expects that kind of spectacle. For me TGL as a fan is impossible to make by anyone in that way, but even the choices thus far point to a clear narrowing of the universe to focus on some kind of simple superhero/origin flick type thing. So I guess its my opinion that with X it goes beyond just poor adaptation into poor film making. I mean despite my gripes with Spiderman, they work great as all-ages films.

I like all that weird x-men outer space stuff, I guess that was related to dark phoenix.

Also, My bad, its the new Spiderman that is directed by the 500 days guy, that was an error not so much
a joke

I think the idea is also that you create your own reality by your thoughts/feelings and that circumstances do not make - cannot make - someone feel anything - it's our thoughts/reactions about a circumstance that causes our feelings and emotions. Our feelings/emotions create vibrations that attract whatever (people, things, experiences) of the same vibration - we are constantly vibrating our realities into existence. We can control our thoughts, but I think it takes discipline, awareness, and the willingness to be fully responsible for ourselves. It's much easier to blame circumstance/fate/karma/parents/society/the media/the outside world. That's why I reframe - I'm just changing my thoughts/perspective (thus, my feelings) about a seemingly unfavorable circumstance. The circumstance may not change a whit - but when you choose to consciously choose/change your thoughts (reframe), your feelings can dramatically change/reverse about the same circumstance... and then there is perfection and all is well in the world.

I absolutely loved the scene in Inception where as in a typical action sequence, they are 'shooting away' as indifferent to the kill, yet the scene is disrupted by one character (forgot who) saying something like: "are you sure they are just projections?" . Only in a suspected alternate reality does it make the contemplation of another's life or existence even more in question. I'm pretty sure these topics are very intentional in Nolan's films, as with the story-sense-of-self thing in Memento. Because of this kind of contradiction of 'other people' I tend not to ascribe to much of the 'create your own reality' thing, as in a way it necessitates the idea that life is some kind of projection from somewhere else, essentially that we are not us, and them are not even close to them but some kind of part of us. I'm not going to say this is wrong, but I tend to think that on the practical level, this leads to alot of opposite enforcement of the ego in underlying guilt and responsibility and a sense for always trying to create equilibrium (having good thoughts to counter 'bad' ones etc...) which requires tremendous efforts and often superficial gestures. My last girlfriend was very much in to this kind of thing, but in many ways would be incredibly jealous or frustrated with others who seemed to glean more success from whatever, particularly since they wern't as 'positive' as she or had better circumstances that were undeserved. fairly ironic.

I think the key phrase is 'we must be fully responsible for ourselves', but that does not mean we 'attract' all the negative (or positive) things in our life because they are 'deserved' but for me rather we earn those experiences/have something to learn from those experiences OR the more obvious, that we are 'alive' within a massive framework of 'other people' and sometimes we are under the effects of them and larger forces. For instance (to bring it somewhat back to journaling) I don't believe there is anything in my past, my karma, or my ethics that have led it to be extremely hot this week. I am not effected by the heat, but I had happened to do my largest orders of food this week and they arrived dripping. Now the only thing the was pretty much in control was how severe of a hissy fit I wanted to make, knowing full well that this was certainly somewhere in between not important at all, and the end of the world (or at least a poor return on my $300). I chose a minor hissy fit. a box got damaged. no big whoop.

It seems to me, that often the state of mind merely seems to accelerate and bring momentum to positive or negative experiences, or just extract and pull from the same spectrum of amazing or amazingly awful things in the world. Its an issue of focus. There is certainly no small share of crappy things one can focus in regards to themselves or the world on in a daily basis, that is for sure.

in further nitpicking, if you do have your own masochistic side, I'd say if you read your own post, there might be some things you do not totally agree with and might be coming from some other theory which makes less sense on inspection. You certainly CAN make someone feel something, short of perhaps MAKING them fall in love with you. but certainly pain, distress, fear etc...these are all a result of actions which are also created by circumstance. Its true that something like anxiety, is created by more than just circumstances, as with love, and that is a reflection of something within. I do agree about blame, and I think that affects so much of this diet/health and conspiracy stuff and peoples' healing. I tend to think when people are unwell (mentally or in confidence or physically) its good to surround yourself with positive energies, post-that I tend to think a highly developed psyche can really move that midpoint of good and bad, to a point where it is all fairly relative and positive. I mean if one is a social worker, are they not going to deal with the worst junkies and asshats just because they bring them down? But you are totally right that the outcome is just a re-frame of the event, which is basically almost instantly in the past, with some guilt, regret, and possibility lingering effects attached. I think with health, unfortunately its this balance act of needing to control certain aspects of the physical, and yet not expecting those controls to actually solve all your problems. Seems worse than it is I guess.

I'd imagine that it works better in person - one could interrupt you for clarification as often as needed. At the same time - regarding writing - I believe that most of the writing/expressing we do is for ourselves ("talking to myself" in your journal). It's more about me and what I want/need to express - and possibly less about people actually getting or reading what I've written. Any opinion I express about a subject/person/post tells a lot more about me than the actual subject/person/post that I've written about. Maybe it's more important for you to express how you express than to be completely understood by everybody.

Yeah, there is always some of that. When I'm in an argument, I try to think: "what is it I have to gain from interacting with this person this way?" It must feed some deeper addiction or desire (often to be right! ). At the same time, I think it would be pretty poor form to just be involved with such things as some level of self entertainment or fulfillment. I'd like to think there is some service nature to it. But yeah, I think int he concrete sense I'm not interested all the time with sharing something to be accessible to the widest range of people, but if the issue is really simple, it deserves some attention (of necessary) towards not being obtuse about it.

I wouldn't know where to start with you.   Even if I understood what you were meaning to say, I feel that editing your words - tampering with your inclination to convolution - would somehow just damage what you created. It would be another creature - not your own. My new theory is that the convolution is actually perfectly intelligible on another plane of existence. Perhaps all this time, you've just been communicating with other entities on the other plane(s) and those entities understand you through and through. So you're fine. Don't change.

[Cinna]

Because of this kind of contradiction of 'other people' I tend not to ascribe to much of the 'create your own reality' thing, as in a way it necessitates the idea that life is some kind of projection from somewhere else, essentially that we are not us, and them are not even close to them but some kind of part of us. I'm not going to say this is wrong, but I tend to think that on the practical level, this leads to alot of opposite enforcement of the ego in underlying guilt and responsibility and a sense for always trying to create equilibrium (having good thoughts to counter 'bad' ones etc...) which requires tremendous efforts and often superficial gestures. My last girlfriend was very much in to this kind of thing, but in many ways would be incredibly jealous or frustrated with others who seemed to glean more success from whatever, particularly since they wern't as 'positive' as she or had better circumstances that were undeserved. fairly ironic.

Could you please explain this further, in another way, or maybe use some concrete examples? You don't have to elaborate like crazy, I just want to be sure that I understand you. I know, I often sound vague, use few concrete examples, but I'm going to make some improvements so that my posts are more lucid/coherent/entertaining.

Seems worse than it is I guess.

The health balancing act seems worse than it really is? Are you saying that the balancing act seems like a big, difficult deal, but that it's not so bad really in the "grand scheme of things"? (I don't want to use that cliche, but I'm too exhaustified to come up with something better...)

I need a couple days to digest what you wrote. Will I respond? Fo sho.

[KD]

Could you please explain this further, in another way, or maybe use some concrete examples?

ok. I tend to believe the whole 'Secret' thing - whether one realizes this or not - is predicated on one vision of 'the world' as essentially a projection of spiritual energies. Therefore 'other people' for instance becomes sort of a 'concept' rather than a reality as most would believe and reflected in terms of how one is in a sense: interpreting the self. I have no evidence that this is in-fact false, only skepticism. I guess I tend to find reality much more complicated then that, and although that 'system' represents an interesting departure from the typical 'random model' or 'what goes around comes around' - to use an even more rote cliche - I don't think by default the answer is that our entire manifestation of reality is not under the influence of multiple forces other then the self. So in short, our capabilities in manifesting what we want might be limitless in one sense, but very much within the boundaries of how we choose (or are forced) to negotiate things with other bodies and circumstances. Everything beyond that for me has very much to do with death (transcendence, light bodies etc...), and ultimately not very healthy for me anyway as a life pursuit.

I guess a concrete example would be if I wanted to play for a NBA basketball team. It could be that my very abilities, circumstance, and even age (if one wants to get really freaky) is some kind of manipulation and interpretation of energy. At the same time my odds of manipulating that energy based on my 'creation' of reality is fairly slim in regards to my goal, which is in fact dictated by quite a bit of realities own rules. This doesn't mean that the mind particularly cannot be geared into producing amazing results within the physical (going from couch potato to school-yard 'Deep Threat') but once again that we are usually limited more or less to carving out from what our physical form (including the mind) can construct. I'm open to the idea that certain individuals or entities have gone beyond this 'limit', but for most folks, I tend to think the model and expectations of responsibility leads more to discouragement and ironically back towards blaming of circumstance/karma etc...

The health balancing act seems worse than it really is? Are you saying that the balancing act seems like a big, difficult deal, but that it's not so bad really in the "grand scheme of things"? (I don't want to use that cliche, but I'm too exhaustified to come up with something better...)

hmm, yeah in a way I mean its certainly a downer that you can't just do what someone else does and get their results, or follow a particular program or model and get those prescribes results. I mean, its possible but unlikely. At the same time its pretty difficult for one to just ignore the physical when one is not well, or at least asymptomatic like many people who do not pay as much attention to such things. So in a sense, just that is 'unfair' to someone trying to regain health in some ways don't you think? but ultimately if one re-frames the situation as you mention, its not that big a deal. Certainly if things were easy of obvious and non-complicated the world would be a very different place.


btw I personalty have not found your posts incoherent, dim or boring




----------
had some weird meals/days lately

today so far : 1/2 of a kidney+surrounding fat + 1/3 lb butter
yesterday: a whole pack of  round lamb and chuck steak from Slankers (probably close to 2 lb total) and 3/4 lb raw butter. [usually eat no more than 1 lb muscle-meat]
a few days ago : 28 pasture eggs (usually have no more than 6-12 max)

[Cinna]

A few nights ago, I was playing with my 3-year-old friend. I always let her take the lead... I mean, I always want to play with her toy kitchen set-up (when you put the little plastic "frying pan" on the "stove," it makes a frying sound!), but she usually makes things up for us to do. The other night, we started calling each other princess (she had to have started it because like I said, I let her lead). Then all of a sudden, she was the princess and I was the superhero - again, her designation. We had never played that before. I was kind of like a knight-superhero as she had me slaying lots of dragons, giving them breath mints (my idea) and cinnamon (her input), and having me go into the living room and run into the family room/her castle every time she exclaimed, "Oh no!"

Earlier that evening, the adults were practicing a dance number with black hooded capes. She was holding one end of her blanket around her neck and walking around with the blanket dragging behind her. We were all wearing capes so I complimented her on her cape. She informed me, "Um no, this is not a cape. This is a blanket." Fast forward a few hours to princess/superhero play and suddenly her blanket is my cape. Whatevs. My friends were talking important business and looked at me because of my blanket cape and running back and forth. "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm a superhero."

Why do you like TGL? I'm just curious.

OK, our discussion is def in the realm of getting more difficult to discuss in this format (for me), so I might have to simplify some of my responses - just so I don't burn a fuse.

Because of this kind of contradiction of 'other people' I tend not to ascribe to much of the 'create your own reality' thing, as in a way it necessitates the idea that life is some kind of projection from somewhere else, essentially that we are not us, and them are not even close to them but some kind of part of us.

Hm. I don't feel this way about the 'you create your own reality' thing. My idea is, you are just as real or not real as I am real or not real. I think we are all part of each other... My little friend "picked up" on our discussion and turned me into a superhero.  I believe in the co-creating thing... one's reality-creating doesn't/can't cancel out another's reality-creating. How is this possible? It's magic...

I'm not going to say this is wrong, but I tend to think that on the practical level, this leads to alot of opposite enforcement of the ego in underlying guilt and responsibility and a sense for always trying to create equilibrium (having good thoughts to counter 'bad' ones etc...) which requires tremendous efforts and often superficial gestures. My last girlfriend was very much in to this kind of thing, but in many ways would be incredibly jealous or frustrated with others who seemed to glean more success from whatever, particularly since they wern't as 'positive' as she or had better circumstances that were undeserved. fairly ironic.

I'm still a little confused here, but I can tell you that I don't entertain guilt for very long as a useful feeling. I find guilt very self-defeating, self-debilitating, and it doesn't inspire me. I do seek some balance and groundedness, but not necessarily by having good thoughts to counter bad ones. I may seem light-oriented, but I'm definitely as much darkness as I am lightness and honoring/embracing my shadow emotions/parts has been essential and critical to my personal healing. Authenticity takes precedence over so-called "positivity." (Sorry if this isn't making sense because/if I'm not understanding what you wrote.) And I am pro minimal effort and genuine/authentic gestures.

Jealousy is interesting... I am familiar with it... but I don't look at positivity as a game of who is the better, more positive person. I believe people manifest what they manifest because they figured out how to - not because they "deserved" what they got. I think the universe is way beyond rewarding the good ones and punishing the bad ones. The universe is impartial (possibly loving) and not "judging" us on our behavior or thoughts. The universe is just responding.

I think the key phrase is 'we must be fully responsible for ourselves', but that does not mean we 'attract' all the negative (or positive) things in our life because they are 'deserved' but for me rather we earn those experiences/have something to learn from those experiences OR the more obvious, that we are 'alive' within a massive framework of 'other people' and sometimes we are under the effects of them and larger forces.

I agree. I tend to not use the word "deserve" because who are we to know who deserves what and "deserve" connotes some kind of brownie point/gold star system. I do believe in aspects of karma, but without the connotations of judgment, favor/out-of-favor, deserving/undeserving, worthiness/unworthiness.

It seems to me, that often the state of mind merely seems to accelerate and bring momentum to positive or negative experiences, or just extract and pull from the same spectrum of amazing or amazingly awful things in the world. Its an issue of focus. There is certainly no small share of crappy things one can focus in regards to themselves or the world on in a daily basis, that is for sure.

Fo sho.

in further nitpicking, if you do have your own masochistic side, I'd say if you read your own post, there might be some things you do not totally agree with and might be coming from some other theory which makes less sense on inspection. You certainly CAN make someone feel something, short of perhaps MAKING them fall in love with you. but certainly pain, distress, fear etc...these are all a result of actions which are also created by circumstance.

Hmmmmmm..... I re-read my post and I still agree with what I wrote. Do I totally agree? I think so... How does my masochistic mind work? Let us see...

Pain. A long story shorter: Last year, I moved to NYC because the person I was in love with was going to work in NYC. We had our troubles as I was realizing that I was still getting to know this person. With one day's notice, he informed me that he quit his job the day before and was leaving NYC for good the next day. We didn't end the relationship right then and there (a blessing, really - I don't think I would have handled that at all), but the morning he left my apartment, that was the last time I saw him and talked to him. I immediately moved back to so cal as I was too heartbroken to stay and make it work. I could barely breathe, eat, or sleep. When I did manage to fall asleep, I dreaded waking up to my very real nightmare.

Had to get back home and heal. But for several months after I returned home, I held onto my "connection" to him, spoke to him (spirit to spirit) before I fell asleep, because keeping him on my radar did offer some comfort. At least my love felt real and that's what mattered to me. I eventually let go of the connection when I realized/accepted that I'd probably never hear from him. So that was one of the most painful experiences of this lifetime. I'm not bitter, but it still stings a little when I think about it. Maybe I haven't fully recovered, as I returned home June 2009 and over a year later, I haven't been on one date, although that is supposedly changing soon.

After all that and the feelings that went along with it (abandoned, unloved, unwanted, diminished, omg super let down, et al. - btw, these words, according to NVC's Marshall Rosenberg, are words that "express how we interpret others, rather than how we feel"), I still don't say that my ex made me feel these things. Taking responsibility for my feelings is liberating and empowering. I may have felt like the biggest loser in the world, but I demonstrated some strength and non-loser-ness because no one made me feel this way. I felt this way because I'm sensitive, risked everything, loved fully, and it didn't work out. How did I reframe this situation?

Was it smart to move to NYC so quickly? No. Do I regret it? No. I'm so grateful that I got to live in NYC for two months. I'm so proud of myself because I found my own apartment, moved by myself, and never thought that I could survive and love NYC and I did. I demonstrated to myself that I was stronger and more loving than I ever thought I was.

Fear. Many many years ago, my dad got really angry and started throwing dishes - at the glass sliding door, not at me, but his anger was directed at me. I'm not sure if my dad would say that I made him angry. It would be a bit ridiculous if he did because I was upset, in tears, and my words must have hurt his pride and he blew up. This says a lot more about what was going on with him and how he felt about himself than what a bad daughter I am.

Anyways, being the young sensitive rabbit that I am, I was paralyzed with fear (except for more crying) and feared for my well-being. Yet - I don't say that my dad made me feel scared. I take responsibility for my fearful response because of my mindset at the time and because of my nature. In the very same situation, my dad did not "make" my sister feel scared - rather, she got angry (protective of me). It may seem like a subtle distinction in semantics ("he made me fear for my life" versus "his actions caused me to fear for my life"), but the yields are hugely and remarkably different for me.

Because of how I interpret situations, my feelings, and other people's behavior, I can never be a victim. I choose not to feel like a victim or at the mercy of anybody. I never martyr myself (well, I might indulge occasionally). Things may "happen," but they don't "happen to me" (kind of a victim mentality). I am always the captain of my own soul - at this point, as an adult, no one can "damage" me nearly as well as I can damage myself. To others, I may seem timid/shy/reserved/weak, but they don't really know what's going on inside of me. I am reserved but exercise my personal power because I don't give it away by attributing my feelings to what others "do to me." When something "unfavorable" happens, as soon as some of the shock passes, I'm already searching inside myself, investigating how I may have contributed to/created/manifested the situation. And it's not about blame, shame, guilt, punishment or anything. It's just research.

I tend to think when people are unwell (mentally or in confidence or physically) its good to surround yourself with positive energies, post-that I tend to think a highly developed psyche can really move that midpoint of good and bad, to a point where it is all fairly relative and positive.

I agree.

Yeah, there is always some of that. When I'm in an argument, I try to think: "what is it I have to gain from interacting with this person this way?" It must feed some deeper addiction or desire (often to be right! ). At the same time, I think it would be pretty poor form to just be involved with such things as some level of self entertainment or fulfillment. I'd like to think there is some service nature to it.

I'm sure there is a great service nature to it... thank you for serving us so well. I prefer to stay out of the frays. I just derive more pleasure from being a Team RPD cheerleader.

I tried to keep things simple, succinct.  You can have your journal back.

P.S. ...I'm a Boar Hunter.