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Journals / Re: Round 2: From addiction to recovery
« on: July 24, 2010, 03:29:57 am »
Its really amazing the highs and lows of depression. One moment you feel like you have thoroughly convinced yourself that you are so worthless and will never make it anywhere and you have tremendous evidence to prove it so - and then the next you feel like you want to give the world so much love and be active in this world and connect with all the people around you. You also have this supremely confident self willing to take risks and fail. I continue to search my mind for wisdom that will keep me at peace, comfortable with what I am and what I have. This is what drugs do. They let you accept yourself. There is no more hate. The mind no longer focuses on the insignificant, the sheer pain it was once in. Things get done.
I've been having these moments at least once every few days where I will see something or think or about something that makes me cry. It feels wonderful to cry. I was watching the movie Invincible with Mark Wahlberg where he plays a 30 year old guy that makes it onto the Eagles during an open tryout. I want to be that guy. I cried so much watching that movie. Envisioning that success for me is extremely pleasant and comforting. Its funny because I'm 29 and would love to see where my athletic potential will take me.
And right when things start to look like they are picking up steam I'll have sat behind my computer for three days straight doing nothing, eating poorly and in lots of physical and mental pain. Its such a slow process I suppose. My commitment isn't quite there and I can convince myself of all things negative almost naturally now that making myself think positively can be a chore.
I'm looking to get away and scramble around for a living teaching english in vietnam for a year. I'm still feeling good about this and might be there in early october.
I've been having these moments at least once every few days where I will see something or think or about something that makes me cry. It feels wonderful to cry. I was watching the movie Invincible with Mark Wahlberg where he plays a 30 year old guy that makes it onto the Eagles during an open tryout. I want to be that guy. I cried so much watching that movie. Envisioning that success for me is extremely pleasant and comforting. Its funny because I'm 29 and would love to see where my athletic potential will take me.
And right when things start to look like they are picking up steam I'll have sat behind my computer for three days straight doing nothing, eating poorly and in lots of physical and mental pain. Its such a slow process I suppose. My commitment isn't quite there and I can convince myself of all things negative almost naturally now that making myself think positively can be a chore.
I'm looking to get away and scramble around for a living teaching english in vietnam for a year. I'm still feeling good about this and might be there in early october.